Tag Archives: gratitude

Gobble

Had an indulgent nap alongside Edie this week. Or with Bun, rather. In the evolution of nicknames, Tina’s gone from Beanie Weenie to Beanie to Bean (and Fuzz), and Edie’s gone from Funny Bunny to Bunny to Bun. Bean and Bun. Characters to illustrate, put on the “someday” list. I’d love a (kind) nickname of my own, but it eludes me mostly, along with the affection required on the part of others in order for one to be bestowed apparently. I rarely hear my name spoken from the mouths of others, let alone a name that’s been nicked (must Google origin of term). Short on hugs and physical contact as well, feel I may shrivel up and wither away from the lack of general touch at any point. Thank God for Edie. To think there was a time in life I felt I’d received enough love and affection to last more than a lifetime.

Still, I’m happier somethingerothier than I’ve been in years making a living getting paid to design and illustrate daily. Current assessment of thanks- I’m angry as all get out at God while loving Him not a smidge less than I ever have. I’m angry in general these days, and rather short on patience. I’ve lived in my head alone for the better part of a decade – I don’t know what the future holds, just know I’m wary it’s more of the same comfortable malaise with the proverbial carrot ever dangled in front of me- that for hope of a two-part satisfaction birthed from a partnered life aaand a grander purpose fulfilled. I believe life is what you make it and find it maddening to not fully make of it what I want without requiring others to join in for the ride. Were I to sign up for life, this most certainly would not be the version at the top of the list- to share and share, receiving little in return. My gratitude could use an adjustment.

In FB nonsense, messaging appears to be the equivalence of liquid courage for former school friends of the ALREADY MARRIED male persuasion who feel the need to reveal their once unrequited feelings from long ago only to follow it up with an eluded and/or blatant offer to strike them up again. Are they part of a club, or something? Comfortable in their homes, marriages, friendships, and routines, looking to make me a supplementary boost to their lacking egos cuz they don’t know how to make the chosen one satisfy. Surely doling out the same compliments to others as well. Modus operandi. And were they to find their wives doing the same? Tempted to screenshot their musings and send them along to their significant others. I suffer no fools and demand dignity in such dealings. The same guys post about completing common household chores and once-in-a-blue-moon giftings of generic dial-o-bouquets as though they’re going above and beyond and not just checking off tasks many do without fanfare. Wasting not a word more- I offer up a pic of the towel my dad gifted me yesterday.

“Wipin

Other recent thoughts that are of a jumbled and lighter hearted nature that accompanied the above chatter in my mind:

“Body

Watched Body Double recently- towards the end, the main guy was reminiscent of Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days. Something in the slicked hair and/or the outfit selection perhaps. Happen to’ve sported that short haircut ’n’ color shown on Griffith in times past. Twice.

“Prismatic”

Newish glasses, as my rosy ones need an assist.

“Spectrum”

I’ve been scruffling through the leaves the last week- so many piled up along the curbs in most places (though not here) that I can’t see where the road begins and the sidewalk ends in order to step up or down. It’s a welcome and discombobulating dilemma.

Politics as spectator sport drives me nuts- action is the only acceptable response- put up or shut up. Trump. The only thing more moronic than Trump, is the number of folks spending time dotingly pointing out each increasingly moronic act. Googled the odds of him passing away at his age- prospects could be better.

Had my first kale salad. It was begrudgingly delicious.

A bunch of the images in my posts are MIA despite showing up when officially checked upon. If it’s not one glitch, it’s another. ♦

Share on FacebookTweet about this on Twitter
Care to share?

Are We There Yet?

“Vans

Are we there yet?
A brief walk along the waterfront today cleared recent bad dreams from my mind, swept away by the onslaught of rain and bluster, and replaced them with the sweet memory of last year’s most prized dream. A sense of enveloping warmth and completion, hope met and surpassed, yes, Christmas Eve, I woke with a smile.

“Bean's

Please sir, I want some more.
Bean’s nothing if not serious about her mashed potatoes. Intentionally lumpy, cuz we find we like ‘em like that.
 
Tomorrow is a day partially devoted to the cinema. In way of potential Oscar contenders, I’ve only seen Argo and Flight, thus far. The latter at Shane’s request- odd as he’s terrified on planes. I’ve witnessed him recoil into a near sniveling shell of himself in the very seat behind me. How he’ll ever recross the pond, I’ll never know. A little B.A. Baracus move, perhaps. On the roster ahead, Lincoln, for one. I’m told that J.G. Levitt’s in it (yay, hooray), though I’ve consistently missed him in the trailer due to the utter monstrosity that passes for hair sitting atop Tommy Lee Jones’ head.

“Apple

And did you say pie? Hole right here.
My, oh my, it’s apple pie! I love making these, though plain old apple’s not quite my forte. My dad loves it, though, so that’s all it took. Plus, he made quick work of most of the apple coring and cutting himself, impressing me even, with long dormant knife skills. Who knew?
 
I’m coming down off a day revelling in the surest cure for what ails a lacking heart: gratitude. It never, ever fails, though it does tend to falter sooner than it once did. And this day, that of Black? I’d like to place the moron(s) that came up with Black Friday in front of one of the many oncoming paths of charging fools. How it should follow so swiftly on the heels of a day meant to reflect on all the good one possesses is beyond me. “Yes, I’m now in touch with what really matters in this here life, quick! Let’s forget, I might do something good with that acknowledgement. Instead, get me ‘n’ thee to a Wallymart.” Shame is a horrid thing, though if ever there were a place for it, this day should be it. ♦

Share on FacebookTweet about this on Twitter
Care to share?

Blessings Counted – Annotated & Abridged

Last week, my most favorite of holidays! It’s changed over the years and probably will again at some point. There’s something to be said for a day to gather with family, none of the pressure present from having to secure gifts for the giving, only the preparing and sharing of masses of quantities of food, and then the subsequent plopping down onto comfy couches and such until the veritable food coma passes. More importantly a day that should one choose provides the perfect opportunity to reflect back on the year’s happenings, and recognize the good. What one’s thankful for. And blessed by. There is always, always something to be thankful for, no matter how small it may be! Once identified, it can so be focused on as to grow and grow, be magnified until it spreads multiplying to eclipse the bad, birthing new hope into the dark places. Below, a partial list of what I’ve been thankful for this year …

As I sat down next to her, she reached over and scooped up my hand.

A few weeks back, I stopped by my grandma’s one evening on the way home from a day out and about. My mom is currently living there as well, so it was a two-birds-with-one-stone-kinda-deal. Since my grandpa passed away nearly two years ago, my grandma has allowed it to make her bitter on many levels. She can be quite awnry and contemptible and, though, I love her, as she’s the “grandma,” it’s hard for me to stay in her presence for very long. I wish she’d apply some of that fiestiness she has for good, instead of towards just being stubbornly “right.” She’s often alone in her “rightness.” Upon entering the living room, my grandma wasn’t nestled in her usual plush chair rocking and sewing. Instead she was on the couch where she immediately beckoned for me to come sit. As I sat down next to her, she reached over and scooped up my hand. My heart warmed and I instantly felt a rush of acceptance. That was all it took. She held my hand as my mom sat across the way and time passed by. My grandma fell into her usual routine of asking if I watch “the Wheel” and that Jeopardy show, as she asks me every time I see her. She was loving and kind, I didn’t want to leave, I just wanted to bask in her offering. It’s by far my favorite moment with her! I needed that.

Every autumn, there comes a point when a crispness in the air arrives, settling into more days than not, and it comes time for “The Annual Lobster Shower.” One of those showers where the water’s so hot it may burn your skin right off and you just don’t care because you’re chilled to the bone. The water beats down building an internal warmth chasing away the cold. Any energy to be had has been melted far and away and you’re just a pile of matter encased in an outer soft shell of bright red lobsterness. Utterly spent! There’s nothing to do, but fall into bed at that point and marvel at the toasty warm goodness that fills and surrounds you. Such events require a “le sigh.” Le sigh …

For gratitude itself, for understanding it’s power to restore and renew even the most wretched of lives. It can provide a release from anger and bitterness, sadness and despair. It can cause one to begin seeing the joy in everything, not by erasing the harsh realities of this world, rather by replacing the harsh realities within ourselves. It starts ever so small with the smallest of acknowledgments: The mailman smiled at me today. I’m stuck in traffic, but hey, I have a car. I woke up to another day, another chance. These acknowledgments accumulate, grow, until they’re a juggernaut of change that cannot be easily halted, and one day you look around at the life you knew and the scape has changed. For the better. I am thankful for so much these days that I feel I may burst at times, I can’t contain it, it’s gonna shoot outta my heart, hit the sky and rain down on everything, cover the world in new joy, giving new eyes to see from. There’s a quote in that movie American Beauty that says, “Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.” I feel like that more and more! Even at the lowest of the low.

Many have no food, no shelter, no escape from the elements

It’s occurred to me that what I’ve deemed as problems and struggles in my life, are nothing, nothing in comparison to what the majority of the world has to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Many have no food, no shelter, no escape from the elements whether that means a place to warm up or a place to cool down. This is a common realization, I know. Here, so many of our problems are as follows, though:

• My air conditioning isn’t working. (One is lucky enough to have air conditioning in the first place)
• It’s too cold in here, turn the air conditioning off.
• Man, I have to do laundry: Dump multiple clothing items in washer, press/pull button and/or dials. Whew, workin’ up a real sweat there!
• The store’s out of BBQ potato chips. Gotta choose from one of 20 plus other flavors. Bummer!

So, within the past year’s time, I’ve grown to appreciate what I deem as trials in my life. Yes, my problems, I’ll take any day. I’m positioned perfectly to make all my dreams come true! A cliche phrasing of words, a most desired sentiment. It so grabs me as to fill me with fight and renewed strength.

I woke up one day recently to check that shelf in my mind where I store that nasty fear of ABANDONMENT I’ve had ever since my mother stepped down from sanity and left our family reeling at the age of 14. Only to find that I no longer seem to fear others abandoning me! My weakness, to go unacknowledged, forgotten, abandoned. If you want to hurt me, that’s the way to do it. Or was. Assuming you’re one in my heart of hearts. In varying degrees and for varying reasons, some my own fault, others not, I’ve experienced what I named as my worst fear more than one should, and seeing I can live through it only to still choose to love and forgive and remain open, untainted, means more freedom. And further still, I’ve learned sometimes those who’ve left, they come back. ♦

Share on FacebookTweet about this on Twitter
Care to share?