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After viewing repeated promotional efforts from subsequent posted bulletins, I give you Mandy & Kasey’s survey. I must say, delightful, not your average bunk. Hooray for that! And survey says:

1. Weirdest place you ever slept?

On the floor of the downtown bus tunnel. No, wait. On the steps at Arlington National Cemetery. Super brief nap leaning back against the building in the shade during lunchtime while on tour in a sleep-deprived week. When tired enough, I can sleep anywhere.

2. Favorite use for jam or jelly?

Marmalade with crunchy peanut butter on grilled sourdough or IKEA lingonberry jam over vanilla bean ice cream rolled in toasted coconut.

3. First pet’s name?

Corkey, a Poodle Terrier.

4. Circumstances of your first kiss (who, where, when, feelings after)?

Just who I wanted it to be at the time, after school in my room on the bed, within the first month of 8th grade. Feelings after included an insatiable desire for chocolate and the sense that an internal lightbulb had been turned on. Upped wattage. The poor boy, I slobbered all over him, nervous just enough to not retain any sense of bodily function! Happy to report the slobbering has long since ceased.

5. Ever pooed yourself?

Yes. I was two. Had on a pair of PJs with the attached slipper feet. Bright pink with an embroidered Big Bird on the chest. Laid in the crib calling out for my parents because I knew 2 was on its way in a big, big way! They arrived to find my sleeper leg filled, diaper to toe, one side only, and then a seemingly neverending night of bathing ensued.

6. Is passing gas okay?

Don’t statistics say one does so 14x a day on average? If so, please do so far and away.

7. Stolen anything? What?

Yes. A heart. (Awwh, do I hear groaning out there, people?) :)

8. Which celebrity doesn’t deserve their status?

The folks from The View, past and present, save for Rosie.

9. Is peeing in public acceptable?

Does this include swimming pools? Kidding, kidding …

10. What did you “really” do on school trips?

Some naughty stuff on a stairway or two.

11. Worst hangover, caused by what?

Not applicable.

12. Best Halloween costume (your own)?

I was fond of the butterfly wings I made one year when I found that the only ones available in stores were super crappy with ugly elastic, were often a sappy pastel color and were much too small for the makings of a butterfly befitting my imagination.

13. Kissed someone, and then discovered they were ugly?

Nope. I suspect this relates to question 11?

14. Most imaginative way you’ve wanted to kill someone?

I’ve never imagined such things, sure, felt like killing someone to a scary degree when I was bitter and angry in what seems a former life, but never endulged in the thought process of the actual execution of the deed, as I figured that to be territory too dangerous to explore, visualizing being such an integral step in accomplishing something. Such an overly serious answer for a question meant for fun, huh? Instead, let’s go with a paintbrush to the jugular.

15. Been attracted to a friend’s parent? At what age (you and the parent)?

Robyn Johnson’s dad was H-O-T!! And he knew it. And he knew I knew it. And she knew he knew I knew it. In fact, the three of us talked about it from time to time. He was late thirties, early forties? I knew him from age 14 to 18.

16. Worst thing you’ve eaten (on purpose or by accident)?

Blue fuzzy yogurt.

17. What luxury item would you take on Survivor?

Try as I may, I can’t decide on what I’d take along. Are those spiffy 39-gadgets-in-one-kinda knives allowed? If not, would a box of Sharpie markers be considered one item? Probably not. Scrabble? Again, considered multiple items? Too obnoxious, maybe, for sluggish people to wanna play.

18. Have you visited an “adult” store for reasons other than a bachelor/ette party?

Years and years and years ago with male friends. We were kicked out due to their overzealousness with the products, let’s say.

19. Secret fantasy?

I’m not one for fantasy, if it’s good enough to fantasize about, I’ve probably already done it or am working on accomplishing it.

20. Invisible or telepathic?

Invisible, please.

21. Something you’ve done that you worry will come back on you (karma)?

Anything I’ve done already has, trust me. Clean slate, here.

22. Were you spanked as a child (with what)?

With hands. Wooden spoons. Belts. Paddles. Firewood kindling.

23. Caramel or Butter?

Caramel drizzled on extra frothy hot chocolate. I prefer a swirly pattern as opposed to crisscrossing. Butter spread on warm garlic bread. BOTH on baked apples along with cinnamon and brown sugar.

24. Favorite movie sex scene?

Taking Lives. Unfaithful, the restaurant bathroom. Dangerous Liaisons, wherever the Vicomte de Valmont, John Malkovich, is involved.

25. Disney character you’d most want to have sex with?

The Tramp. Allotted I’m Lady. Otherwise, Jack, Jack Sparrow.

26. Something you survived?

My mother.

27. When was your ugly stage?

The 4th grade! Ug.

28. Eat a shot glass of your own poo, or martini glass of vomit?

Eat a shot glass of your own poo?? Sick, people, major ew. Vomit, sure, why not. Mine for free, yours for cash.

29. Non-deadly disease you could handle having?

Is there one out there that’ll make various body parts swell nicely from time to time, i.e., breasts, lips. I’ll take that one. Otherwise, how about Saltatoric spasm – Spasmodic muscular contractions of the calves, hips, knees, and back that cause the sufferer to spring up or jump about uncontrollably every time he or she attempts to stand. Sounds kinda fun, lively and animated!

30. Who do you really wish you could punch?

Lately, myself.

31. Which of the five senses would you be willing to give up?

Sight? Nope. Sound? No way. Touch? NEVER. The reason things taste so good is often highly tied into the way they smell, so smell must remain. Some of my best memories are triggered by smell as well, so bye-bye taste.

32. Worst way to die?

Being trampled to death, all that claustrophobic smothering coupled with painful blows and the crushing pressure, the collapsing of parts never meant to collapse.

33. Favorite teacher in grade school (why)?

Mr. Gagliardi, hands down! Silent ball! Lively teachings on blood cells! Both red and white! Long division. There was a time, a very, very, very short time when I loved math. And was good at it even! Le shock! Letting me choose who I’d sit next to- the crush on one side, the best friend on the other. Encouraging me to write when I was afraid to, instilling my love for words, for poetry. Reading scary stories to us in the dark while sitting in the coat closet! His command of respect.

34. Whose body would you like to have (can mix and match)?

Alessandra Ambrosio. Marisa Miller. Both Victoria’s Secret models. Pamela Anderson from the waist down. Or Stacie Ferguson, Fergie, flouncy, flouncy.

35. What’s the definition of scrumdactile?

A fairly tasty bit of reptilian delicacy, the tacdatile, descended from the familial line of the now extinct terradactyl. Native to the upper Canadian regions and best served warm with a dollop of softened goat cheese and a side of Kalamata olives.


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